Wankster
Today I engaged in a conversation with L, that I knew better than having.
He had it in mind to discuss �gun control� this morning.
L was his usual, calm, rational self. I on the other hand was anything but.
I should have remained quiet. I learned from my Grannie Bacchus never to discuss religion or politics. Why oh why didn�t I honor what she�d taught me? I instead, allowed myself to spiral straight past calm, rational, decency into
O-R-B-I-T.
I went off on L not because of my deep seeded feelings about �gun control�, but because of emotions I�ve been repressing ever since I saw him packing his military gear.
I betrayed myself, my feelings and L.
I know that I should have discussed my feelings with him.
I will go out on a limb and say, that knowing L he would try to allay my fears and concerns and talk to me about how he�s trained for so long to do this mission and that I have nothing to worry about.
All of that is important, yet none of it means a single solitary thing to me.
It is so very different when you can�t identify or relate to what you see or hear transpiring around you.
It is all together a horse of a different kind when what is transpiring in within the confines of one�s own life and home.
I struggle to hold myself together, at the risk of losing composure and appearing to be in need of counseling or worse yet pills to control my emotions.
I am very afraid and concerned for L as well as the thousands of men and women we have going away to support the war effort.
I drove to the office this morning thinking about how out of line I was with L.
After some time I had a conversation with Mr. G on IM about this.
He reassured me that it was okay for me to show my emotions.
I owe L an apology. End of story.
Tonight I�m going to set aside some time to both apologize and to talk to him.
*Update*
Is my fear rooted in the fact that I know that there are casualties associated with any conflict? And that there is a possibility that L could be injured or worse yet killed?
Or
Is this a case, where my fear stems from my distrust of L�s level and depth of training and competency to execute his mission?
What I do know?... It is okay to be afraid.
What do I want?�To get to the root of what I really believe is the underlying causation for my fear.
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