Fear and Concern
L and I had a serious conversation. He had drill this past weekend, with his Reserve Unit. There is a STRONG possibility he will receive orders, and be deployed to support the Iraqi campaign. The majority of his new unit has been selected and deployed with 24 hrs. notice.
Once he�d finished speaking, I became keenly aware of the lump lodged between my throat and heart. I could hear what he said, I could see his lips move, my ears rang, and overall I felt paralyzed.
Internally, I am overcome with fear and concern for him. (Truly understated emotions: Overcome with fear and with plenty good reason as to my cause for concern.) Externally I am calm, collected, reasonable and sane. I�m so good at this, thanks to years and year of practical application.
In an effort to assuage my disconcertedness, he repeats that he will be fine. I know that he�s been on several overseas campaigns � that fact does nothing to comfort me, nor allay my mounting fears and concerns. He goes on to share with me that this campaign one will allow him the opportunity to earn several additional allotments on top of his active duty pay. I remain uneasy, my feeling of inner discombobulation multiplies exponentially as I begin playing mock scenes of the �big picture� in my mind. Each of the details he discusses with me are, mundane - I know all of this already - I wasn�t always a civilian. Part of me thinks L needs to discuss this with someone somewhat in the know, in order to keep his sanity and remain calm. Nice thought and huge compliment that he chose me, (I am truly uncertain that I deserve any of these compliments). I understand all of what his call to duty would entail and at the very same time I don�t [understand].
I was once a solider. Perhaps surprisingly to some of you, I don�t agree with this war [period]. I feel that the life of 1 soldier lost is 1 too many. At the same time, admittedly I believe in, and trained for war and the preservation of the ideals I and this country hold sacred. I am feeling pulled in a host of directions. I try to refocus on L, so that I can be of some support to him, this is what he needs and at the moment, his needs are of the most important magnitude. Soon he will not be here, in the physical sense and the emotional sense. Now, I feel so poorly about myself and why I chose to end my military career, however now is not the time to dwell, entertain, nor discuss this. L needs me, I�m buckling down or �soldiering up� as we used to say, and be the friend that he needs, because he needs me now, and I will not forsake him. Quietly I tell myself, that there will be time later for me to deal with my personal military demons.
My cause for alarm, concern, worry, and fear stems from the fact that L, is the only child [son] his mother has. He is the only grandchild in his family. If anything happens to him, there are so many who would be affected [dare I speak on their behalf?...perhaps devastated to say the least].
There are so many things I want to say to him, yet I stand before him, in utter silence.
I know what he has gone through, and I know how and why he has come to make this level of commitment to our country, to our people, to his family, friends and loved ones and most importantly to himself. These truths do not comfort me either.
I�m not going to get upset with myself, as I would�ve in the past, I know all too well, self anger will accomplish nothing. I chuckle internally at myself, look how much personal progress I�m making. I should be so very proud of myself. *What a smug bugger I am.* At the moment, I don�t care 2 bits about myself. I�m focused on L.
After sitting in silence, for several minutes, he asks me to share my thoughts. I look at him, with what I can only describe as the eyes of a coward, and tell him I don�t know what to say.
A few minutes later, I look at him and say �Please be careful.� He readily assures me that he will be careful and he will be fine, yadda yadda. If that was supposed to make me feel better, I surely don�t.
A few more minutes transpire and he asks me if I am really scared. I tell him that all conflicts military and otherwise frighten me. That deep seeded fear was one of the main reasons I opted for an early out and separated �honorably� from the U.S. Army.