I was riding a bus. Internally, I had sensations of a tugging at my Spirit. My conscience knew all too well that my bus, Yes My precious bus was bound for an emotionally taxing and perilous destination. I tried to press on, determined to do right.
When the bus ride became bumpier and even more unstable, and I could no longer deny that I felt unsafe, I knew I had but one course of action - I needed to disembark. I felt overwhelmed by tremendous waves of guilt and pangs of negative feelings for �abandoning� my loved one.
In my mind I asked myself how can I say I love her, then in the next breathe turn around and leave her? How could I possibly be so selfish? Am I really all about helping others? If yes, HOW?...because right now, from where I stand, and from what I see I don�t see how you can sit there and think �that�.
*sigh* *sigh* and *sigh* some more
I tried to suppress my feelings � I was not entirely successfully. Yesterday those very same emotions spilled through, in a conversation, with my closest and dearest co-worker / friend, MP. He had only to take one glance at me, earlier in the day, to �know� that something was amiss. He waited until we were able to talk in private. He�s so caring and sensitive that way. I managed to talk to him about how heavy my heart and mind were. I told him that I knew what I needed to do, but it was the hardest thing I�d ever had to do in my life thus far.
Without knowing it, I was crying. He looked away and continued talking. He said he wasn�t looking away because he didn�t care about me. In fact, he looked away because my tears would�ve made him cry. At that point, he would have been no good to me.
Patiently and gently he talked to me. Slowly he made his points as to how I am NOT a bad person, I am NOT awful, I am NOT wrong, and that I�d exercised every possible option. There literally was nothing left for me to do. M tried to reason with me, that in the best interest of my own well being I needed to move on. I could possibly do more harm than good to myself by taking responsibility for a life which was not my own.
He made one final point. �Two people who are emotionally torn up; can�t do anything but continue to tear up�Why would someone with all of your talents, love, inner strengths and intelligence want to do that to yourself?� I had no answer for him.
I dried my eyes and got myself together. I sat in my office. The tears continued falling, silently and seemingly without end.
I thought about MP�s words, and those of my Dazzling Twin. Later in the evening I spoke with A as he had a similar experience and had some wisdom to share. All three of these people came through for me, when I needed them most. Auntie and my surrogate sister V echoed the same sentiments.
I lost sleep, was unable to eat, shed tears and felt I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown � when I was rescued by all of these real-life Angels.
I permitted myself to think, that I�d have to go through this painful and difficult ordeal alone. I went so far as to write my father an email. I needed him desperately. In all honestly I didn�t have the luxury of being able to wait for him to reply to me.
Nevertheless, God delivered. Just like He ALWAYS does.
By the time night had fallen, I�d firmly concluded that I�d put my thoughts into writing, in order to avoid a possible verbal altercation.
I love her, I have no desire to fight with her.
It�s high time for me to do as the man who walks by the side of the road...
You know what He does?...
He picks himself up.
He dusts himself off, and
He starts all over again.
Unlike the man who walks by the side of the road, I�m walking with my fair share of real live Angels. I�m not walking alone. I can�t ever permit myself to think that again, because it simply isn�t true.
To me, there�s no greater Earthly comfort than knowing others genuinely care, and care in such a way as to graciously extend themselves when you need them, without you ever having to ask.
For all of your kindness, love, patience and words of wisdom, I love each of you and thank you all from my heart.