Waiting...This is a difficult thing for me. Sitting and waiting. With each passing day, it grows more difficult to go to work. My heart is not there. I wonder if anyone else can detect that. Honestly I don�t care if they can detect it or not.
I�m doing some of my very best work.
My world is quiet. I�m more focused than ever before.
In a convo on IM w/ Shankar*, one of my mentors, we discussed where we were 2 years ago. Believe it or not, what I�m doing today was brainstormed over a lunch consisting of ribs and coleslaw, at Ruby Tuesday�s, in downtown Silver Spring. At the time, this all seemed like a grandiose pipe dream.
It�s amazing what the human spirit can do, once encouraged.
I have him, and so many others to thank for their endless support and belief in me.
My dad sent me an email signed �Your #1 Fan�. He asked �How long do you think natural talent can go unnoticed?�
I didn�t answer his question, because I knew he wasn�t looking for an answer. Rather I need to be saying that to myself each morning in the mirror as I prepare to put on my �game face�.
This almost feels like an endurance race. Speaking of which I had an opportunity to talk with 2 Ph.D. candidates who told me I could write my Ph.D. now. And that the process can best be characterized by the phrase �endurance race.�
All around me I�m hearing the same �buzz words� over and over again. God if that�s you, I am getting your messages loud and clear. Now, if its not God, other intelligent life forms I�m getting your transmissions loud and clear, please give me a minute to implement what I�m receiving.
* * *
Last week, sleep deprived I realized that while I�d given what was required to earn A�s in my course work, I�d pushed myself into the brink of paranoia and worry. I second-guessed myself all of last week to the point where I�d become nervous, jumpy and anxious. Concentration was a near impossibility.
I�ve forgotten, are these the characteristics of higher education, while being simultaneously full-time employed? If so, I�m so not ready for prime time.
I�m exhausted even as I write this.
There is always something to do.
Tomorrow, after class I have QT to look forward to with Ari* and Soren*. We are going to have pizza, watch movies, giggle, share cocktails and make memories.
* * *
I forgot to write that while riding the subway the other day, I was washed over by a feeling of sadness and alone-ness. Instantly I wanted to cry. Here I was making a huge step forward; I didn�t have 1 person I could call to say anything to. I desperately wanted to make a connection. I needed at least 1 person to tell me I was going to be okay; that what I was doing was sensible, and in my best interest. Without that, I moved forward. The result was my being drained. I rode home silently on the subway. My mind crunching thoughts over and over. I thought to myself, this could be a very sad existence. You have much riding on this.
I could not help but let my mind rest on the fact that �no matter what happens nothing beats a failure, but a TRY.� And try I did.
Each day, it is all I can do, to put 1 foot in front the other, think only of that day and its events. Eat, study, sleep, shower, and repeat.
If this is to be my life for the next few years, I should at least want and deserve, 1 good person, to keep my company, as a lifeline of sorts.
I wonder if I�m going mad.
�daddy keeps saying the line between genius and insanity is so very fine.
I can�t be mad, if I�m able to think that I may be going mad.
Right?!
* * *
By the way, I really like that new song by Tamia and F.a.b.o.l.o.u.s. � I haven�t the faintest notion what the title is, nor all of the words, but the parts I did catch I really do like.
* * *
Would I be asking too much, for Calgon to take me away?
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