The update...
On 10-19-04 I wrote that I was drowning and that details would be forthcoming.
As promised...
October 4th - 8th I attended a Management Leadership Conference. In short it was highly effective and well taught. It reinforced concepts I'd previously learned in the classroom during Management, Marketing, HR Management and Ethics classes at my university.
There were some occurrences, which caused me to raise my eyebrows, I alerted the proper personnel and kept it moving.
* * *
October 10th was my 34th birthday. I had the day off and spent the day doing chores, pressing clothes and studying for an Exam. Mw took me out to lunch at the Double T Diner in Parole, Annapolis. I had broiled crab cakes and for dessert, a really terrific piece of cheesecake. When we returned home, it was on and poppin� - I hit the books in preparation for the exam and went to bed. I had a great time at the restaurant. Mw is awesome company; she laughs at all my jokes and is always supportive of whatever I'm trying to do.
I opened birthday cards (I received 6 of them).
Mw presented me with a dozen pink roses and a gift certificate for a Hot Stone Massage, a Manicure and a Pedicure at my favorite salon. I'm soooo looking forward to my day at the spa.
* * *
October 11th � 15th
Thinking back to the conference, I am realizing I'm not adequately trained and ill prepared for what I'm trying to do at work. I need help. Have been reaching out, genuine help isn't available nor is it being offered. I'm feeling like I'm left blowing in the wind. This is not a good feeling at all. I am not sleeping and can barely bring myself to eat. Am moving into a realm of serious danger with respect to the issue of sleep deprivation and fatigue. I've gone past hallucinations. In my mind one phrase replays itself �this has got to change, and change now�.
* * *
October 16th
Breaking point. Last straw has broken proverbial camel�s back. Have tried to fax letter of resignation for the past 4 days, receiver�s fax machine out of commission, no one is returning my phone calls and I�m having serious doubts about what I�ve gotten myself into. The only way I can describe what I�m going through is that this feels very very very very very VERY wrong.
* * *
October 16th, 0900hrs.
Ignored for the last time, blown in the wind, one time too many. Telephoned my resignation. On the receiving end, utter shock and disbelief. Tempted to ask (but didn�t), �Can you hear me now?�
* * *
Decency prevails. Right to work organization means I don�t have to give 2 weeks notice. I was raised to do the right thing, I give 2 weeks notice, and working each day I am tested by one trial after another. Can�t help but wonder is this what Job felt? Really don�t care about Job now, because moment to moment each crises is wearing me thinner and thinner. Have lost over 10 lbs. in month already and am really concerned about myself. No desire to eat, can�t sleep (no time because I�m working 187 hrs. every 2 weeks). Plaguing question � how long can you keep this pace before you end up in the hospital or wrapped around a telephone pole?
* * *
Chest pains. Not because I�m sleep deprived. My heart is heavy because I care about my team. As strange as it may sound I actually have come to love some of my teammates. Some of them are simply awesome and amazing human beings. Never thought I�d bond this way, or this fast. Working these last 14 days holding a secret. The lump I feel inside is getting heavier each day. How will I share this news and what will I do when tears stream down my face as I tell them they will have to manage sans me? I don�t want to cry in front of anyone, I am not effective when I cry and I will still have to remain in command until close of business Saturday, October 30th. All I can think of is my team.
Selfishly I try to comfort myself by saying the ones who wish to remain in touch and maintain bonds of friendship will do so. The others that don�t let them fall where they may. This is life in the big city and the reality is that I was dealt a dirty hand. I�ve tried to tough this out, and I�ve tried my very best but without support I can�t manage to keep up this pace. My studies are suffering � my first exam score this term was an 89%. I�ve never scored an 89% on an exam before. I had to look really close to make sure this was in fact my score. Too much on the plate of life, too little time to rest, too little time to eat, think and study. Burning the candle at every possible angle, something has to give, and that something ain�t gonna be my health.
* * *
Step back.
October 8th I received the most beautiful and unexpected birthday greeting from my mother. Totally out of the blue. I mull it over for a few seconds, do I call her or do I not?�I opted to man up and call her and say thank you. I was surprised. We talked for nearly an hour. She was civil and said she had been thinking of me and wanted me to know that she wishes me well, she loves me and always has. This is a lot to take in. I say thank you and shortly thereafter I�ve hung up the receiver and realized �I just had a conversation with my mother and we were civil the whole time.� Still 33 years of heartache and heartbreak can�t be undone with one Hallmark and one extended phone conversation. I�m miffed at myself for being so petty and over analyzing what has just transpired. I�m afraid. My mind can�t help but ask �what does she want?� I tell myself to wait I�ll see very shortly. I can�t help but be excited at having a conversation with the woman who brought me into this world. Could this be a break through?
* * *
October 15th
The Other Shoe Drops
Moved 1 month ago to Ocala, starting an ALF business. Unable to run the business herself she tosses an offer onto the table. Most important question of the conversation��Will you consider being the director of the ALF?�
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Ever quick thinking I reply �I need some time to think it over please, and thank you for thinking of me.�
Phone placed in the receiver�Silence, and more deafening silence�Is this a set up? Why me and why now?
* * *
October 16th � October 26th
Need to talk to the dean/advisor of my university to find out what I have left in terms of course work, and if my courses are available online, don�t really want the online option. Learning is so abstract that a way for me.
* * *
October 27th
Date night.
After class met with him. Legal eagle, divorcee, father of 2, Ohio transplant. Intelligent, and captivating, attractive but not sexy. Where is this going to go? Don�t know, not sure, but know 1 thing for sure - taking it s-l-o-w. Not particularly interested in the crash and burn option, in the man department.
Pass Play
Best friend and line sister made a pass today. She is playing for the other team. We have history, not THAT kind but the kind that makes it very easy for us to talk to one another on a real level. We are supposed to talk this weekend. We have an appointment to consult with a friend of hers who is opening a business and needs my expert advice. Thinking, what expert advice?�me�the expert�on what?�and since when?
* * *
Backtrack�October 26th
Maxim 1: Haters gon hate. Drama is no longer an included option in the package deal. Handled situation and rejected said drama king. Don�t slay the messenger. Can�t change who I am, and won�t water down the message. Time is of the essence and I�m so focused that I can�t deal in b.s. and I can�t and won�t get bogged down by hate, negativity and gossip.
Whatever I do in my personal life has no bearing on my work life. Especially when I work extra hard not to bring my personal life into the realm of work.
Haters gon hate regardless, it�s what they do. It�s all they know.
Rock on, that�s all I can do, keep it moving. Remain focused and think of my plan, my options and where I want to be when this is all said and done.
Some folk gon get left behind. It�s got to be that way�yeah even when they say they are friends, truth be told they never were�it was all about furthering an agenda, and trying to get info from a source that gives none.
* * *
Final Flashback
Like I said on October 19th�
Too much going on.
I'm drowning.
Will give up the details, I promise.