It has been a while since I've updated. A few things have happened in the meantime, but the main reason for my silence has been the fact that I am overwhelmed. I beseech thee...forgiveth me.
From memory, here goes...
June 19, 2005 - 2 p.m. @ The Patriot Ctr in Virginia
I graduated Summa Cum Laude, completing the 1st of 4 degree programs.
June 19, 2005 - 5a.m. @ the airport
My sister boards a flight to Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands. Hugging her at the airport after all of the laughter, tears, talking, eating & shopping we shared was one of the most difficult things I've had to do. The ache in my heart kept me from crying. I don�t know if it is logical or even possible but I missed her before we even dropped her off at the airport.
June 20, 2005 - just after brunch
I had the most explosive, destructive and liberating communicative exchange with my �birth canal�. She began with an expletive laden tirade. Without thinking I stood up for myself and answered her in kind. I never want to communicate on that level again. In hindsight I am now concerned that I exposed 2 people whom I love with all my heart to a sinister and destructive side of my life, a side they�ve never seen. Everyday I hurt because I know I hurt them. I can�t say �I�m sorry" enough. It doesn�t seem to be sufficient. I think part of the problem is I haven�t forgiven myself.
June 20, 2005 - later that same day, @ the airport
My best friend boards a plane for California. I didn�t want my sister to leave and now I don't want her to leave. The last couple of days have been wonderful! I've had unmatched company in both my sister and my best friend. Selfishly all I want is for the time with them to never end. I keep from crying by reminding myself that I'll see her again, in 3 semesters to be exact. By that time I'll have completed degree program #2 of 4. The next part of my plan is to complete degree programs 3 & 4 in California - so there's no reason to cry. Sounds logical, but my heart ain�t buying into that line of logic. On the return trip home, approximately 1 mile away from the house, I get misty and want to turn the car around, to head back to the airport, board a plane and fly anywhere to escape the feeling of being alone and sad. I'm painfully aware of the fact that I�m being highly emotional and equally unrealistic, in that moment none of that mattered. I just want what I want, period, end of story.
June 27, 2005
Summer term begins, I'm taking Art Literature and Contemporary Political Issues. I�m traveling into Washington, D.C. for the Art Lit course. I�ve worked out an arrangement with Mw to pick me up in the evenings. I am made aware of how fearful I am about walking the streets, much less taking the subway home alone and in the dark. I won�t say that I�m haunted by memories of having been sexually assaulted in the night, I don�t want to put myself in a position of danger. Each Wednesday night I am reminded of how grateful I am to have Mw pick me up and bring me home in safety and comfort. I have thanked her every single night. In my heart I wonder if she knows how much what she is doing means to me. As I give it more thought I know full well I wouldn�t have made it this far if it weren�t for her love and support.
June 28, 2005
I'm in love! Don�t be stupid, I�m not in love with some guy - rather, in love figuratively speaking, with my professors. The Heavens must�ve seen fit to shine upon me. I have 2 intelligent, articulate, passionate and humble professors. I can feel it in my bones, I'm going to thoroughly relish the summer term.
July 4, 2005
A quiet day at home, thinking about Lar and his buddies. I pray that they are safe. Mw and I watched the fireworks display at the Washington Monument. The concert was great. The Beach Boys performed, they made Mw and I both think back to our May trip to Cali. We were both seriously jones-ing for our "Cali girl" days.
July 8, 2005 - 2 p.m.
My low back is burning riddled with knots, on top of that I'm having frequent episodes of Charlie horse cramps in my left hamstring. I can't sit, I can't stand - I'm in severe pain. In desperation I booked a 90 minute massage with Pat. To add insult to injury a giant sink hole engulfs 1 full lane of the B.W. Parkway. Traffic in Maryland is diverted from the parkway onto I-95 North - and backed up for 4 hours. I was delayed in this mess it cost me 30 minutes off of my 90 minute massage at the spa. RrRrRr! Pat, God Bless him tried his level best to work out all of the problems my low back, shoulders, glutes and calves presented. In the end, he suggested and I concurred - that I needed a follow up massage ASAP.
July 8, 2005 - 4:30 p.m.
I treated Mw to the "Almost Heaven" package at the spa. I wanted to say thank you show some appreciation. She means so much to me and I figure a day as a Spa Princess would be a great way to say �thank you�. She�s an integral part of my life. Spa time was followed by "girl time", dinner and conversation at one of Mw�s favorite restaurants P.F. Changs. We got lucky and had an animated server with personality - she made our dining experience that much more enjoyable.
July 16, 2005 - 8 a.m.
Pat had the day off, Sean gave me a massage instead. I'm feeling some relief from the massage thanks to Sean's magic hands. He's such a sweetheart he showed me 2 different stretches and yoga positions to try to release muscle tesion. He also advised a water & exercise regimen and asked me to return in 1 week so that he can assess what condition I'm in. I promise to follow his advice and return in 1 week. I�m hoping I can make it through the work week.
July 16, 2005 - 3:30 p.m.
Back at the spa...I know what you're thinking but wait. I was there to see the Dermatologist. The left half of my face looks as if I�d been bludgeoned. I'm not kidding. The Dermatologist takes one look and says he can�t perform microdermabrasion. He explains that he must lance every single acne erruption. I must�ve had a look of complete fear and terror on my face. Dr. O shares with me that I've got acute vicious acne. He recited the medical name in Latin, for the life of me I can't recall what he said. He then explains the lancing procedure then explains the level of pain I�ll feel then the level of comfort and relief. He asks me to please trust him. He says �I am here to help you.� Maybe it was his tone of voice, I trusted him instantly. All I wanted was for the pain to cease.
He asked me if I was afraid of needles, I gulped and replied �yes�, he said he was going to try to make the procedure as pain free as possible. He asked me if I was ready, I nodded, he swabbed my face with a solution then asked me to close my eyes and envision a happy place. That was easy. My mind went straight to my favorite place on Seven Mile Beach, in Grand Cayman. I could feel the breeze, smell the ocean air and hear the laughter of small children some playing in the water and others building sand castles.
While I was off in my happy place, Dr. O gently lanced each eruption one at a time. He prompted me to take a deep breath as I did, I initially felt a brief sting which was immediately followed by measurable relief. After the first lancing I was able to breathe easy. I relaxed and I know that must�ve made his work all the more easy.
Once he was done, we talked briefly about the condition of my skin, the "evolution" of how it came to be this way and what we could do to clear it up. I confided in Dr. O that I actually cried last month. My outbreak was so severe, so swollen that I could not bear the pain. At my wit�s end I took 2 Extra Strength Tylenol then crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I've never cried because of pain caused by an acne outbreak before. I pray I never have to again.
Dr. O shares with me that in his youth he had acne worse than mine. He was successfully treated by a Dermatologist. I immediately looked at his skin, it was immaculate. I smiled at him and complimented him on how beautiful, clear and smooth his skin appeared. He smiled back and said �thank you�. It was at that moment I realized Dr. O is a gentle spirit.
He asked me which option I would choose for treatment, he gave me some time to think it over. I was overcome by feelings of comfort on a physical and psychological level, I asked him to help me choose the best option, he recommended a prescription treatment. I left his office feeling optimistic about the possibilities of him remedying my "angry acne".
July 16, 2005 - 7p.m.
Mw and I attended a Jazz Under the Stars concert which featured "Crescendo" a local band. The performance was enjoyable.
July 17, 2005 - 7 p.m.
Mw and I attended a traditional African Dance & Drumming performance by the Gye Name International Dance Company. They originated from Ghana, West Africa. Their name when loosely translated the name means "with God all things are possible". The performances of the drummers and the dancers were stirring, entertaining and captivating.
July 18, 2005 - 7 p.m.
I picked up my prescription. While waiting at the red light I read the list of side effects. All I could do was sigh. I hoped and prayed that none of these ill effects would befall me. I kept thinking of how allergic I am to medicines. I tried to comfort myself by thinking about the fact that I�d taken Tetracycline before. That was years ago, but I'm hoping for the best.
July 19, 2005 - Day 2 on "Tetra"
Scared and wanting the prescription to work, I'm checking myself all over to make sure I don't have a reaction to the meds. So far so good. I've prayed to God, I asked him to heal my skin, and to take this pain away. Selfish and vain but I am hurting beyond description. Before this outbreak I used to think I had a high pain threshold. I'm beginning to question that now.
July 20, 2005 - Day 3 on "Tetra"
The optimism I felt yesterday is gone. I've broken out on my shoulders, on the nape of my neck, and on the small of my back. My skin itches sporadically. I tell myself to ignore it. I have only 2 more days worth of meds to take.
July 21, 2005 - Day 4 on "Tetra"
My appetite has diminished. I am feeling weak, tired, faint and I want to vomit. I am drinking a flat soda in an effort to calm my stomach. I tell myself to �hang in there� because this is only 1 of a few options I can try to remedy my skin condition.
July 22, 2005 - Day 5 on "Tetra"
I have only a few more capsules to take. I am feeling weaker than yesterday. I can barely get myself together. I'm moving slowly and pep talking my way through everything. I am daunted by the fact that today I will be working a 10-hour day. I am drinking another flat soda to calm my stomach. I can't believe how a 500 mg capsule can wreak so much havoc on my body. The rash outbreaks have intensified, my throat is very dry, my eyes are dry, the disorientation has subsided yet my stomach continues to feel violent. I can't even bear the thought of food, I get sea sick just thinking of eating. I am starting to miss not being able to eat any dairy products. Good thing Dr. O can�t see me or hear me, he would think I�m a First Class Whiner.
July 22, 2005 - 8 p.m.
I am at home. I've made it through the day. I'm proud of myself as base as that may sound. I didn't whimper and give in at work. I stayed the course and worked my way through. I had a motivating and uplifting conversation with my supervisor. I let her know I didn't feel well this week and that today was the toughest day yet. She asked and I obliged - I let her know I sought treatment for my skin and that the treatment regimen is intense. She said she was sorry and that she truly hoped I felt better. Just hearing that made me feel better. I told her that I made sure I paced myself and my activity so that I would remain productive. She said that she was very proud of my efforts. I've hired 6 people in the past 10 days. I'm pleased at being able to help people in their search for employment, my work is gratifying. I finally feel as if I�ve found meaningful work I want to do for the rest of my life.
I'm sitting here thinking I need to take another capsule. I'm going to be a smidge bad and wait until bed time. My stomach is finally beginning to calm down. I am being selfish, I need an hour to myself. I deserve at least 1 hour free of the �sea-sick sensation� right?
Whether I deserve it or not I'm damn well taking the hour.
The realization that I have a boat load of work to accomplish this weekend means that I have to do everything on schedule otherwise I'll be "muffed up".
Goodnight
p.s. Just in case my �Dazzling Twin� reads this, today�s update format is inspired by your past feedback.
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