Silence
It was a hectic day, as Fridays typically go for me. I was in mourning and no one in my office seemed to notice. It�s just as well. I hadn�t the strength to explain the particulars. I managed to make it through the day, without any last minute problems popping up.
My mind played last night�s dreams like a streaming video clip, I could not make any sense of it. L was at the house and told me that I�d been talking in my sleep all night long. He watched as I tossed and turned and cried; all the while attempting to sleep. All in vain; to no avail. Thoughts of Michael* flooded my mind. I shook physically during the work day. Grief and sadness had engulfed me and there was no denying it. I kept thinking �How is S* going to manage with the children and the house all alone?� �What about college expenses?� �What about her mortgage note?� �What of little A*?...she isn�t old enough to understand the ramifications of growing up without a father.� �How long is P* going to stay with them?...�Will he ever be able to really leave?� �Why did HE have to die now?� Michael*, I know you would have never planned it this way. You aren�t that kind of person. You are the guy who concerns himself with every detail, and worries that you have forgotten something which may cause others great pains or inconveniences. I know with every fiber of my being � YOU DIDN�T WANT IT THIS WAY.
Courage & Grace Under Fire
You ever seen courage and grace under fire? Live, and in the flesh? Have you!? In case you haven�t, that phrase could best describe S*, on Friday evening. Complete calm and outward serenity. She was positively in control of herself. She�d taken great pains to plan every detail flawlessly, for Mike*. He was honored in death, in only they way a true Catholic could be. It was more than apparent that he, S* and the children are loved greatly, by all who have had an opportunity to get to know them. You can�t help but love them. Why?!...This is one family who loves and gives so openly and abundantly � you have no choice but to reciprocate.
A Good Big Sister
All day I had thought what I could bring them. I figured there would be an abundance of cards, flowers and food. What could I do? I figured that I�d make something special for A*, and try to spend as much time with her as I could. That would free S* and the other adults to socialize with the TRP associates who attended Mike�s* viewing. It came to me, that I could make A* a bouquet of Tootsie Pops. I knew that as long as she liked candy; it would be a great idea. Later that evening when I surprised her with the bouquet she hugged me and said thank you. Her�s was the lingering, tight hug that hangs about the neck. The kind that says, please don�t leave me and please don�t let go. I completely understood how she felt. I�d lost someone who meant the world to me, when I was near to her age. I planted myself on the sofa and we hugged again and she kissed me, ever so gently on the cheek. She told me, mine was the best gift she�d gotten. I told her thank you. It meant so very much to me, that my presence had both a purpose and meaning to her. She did after all need her big sister. After a few moments talking with A* and Alexis*, I found S*, hugged her and kissed her and she, being as gracious as she is, thanked me for coming. I whispered that no thanks was needed and that I was ever so very sorry for what had happened. She asked if I had seen A*, I told her yes. I left Soren to tend to her visitors and went back to keep A�s* company. After an hour which seemed more like a life time, she remarked that she was starving and wanted to leave. S�s* face fell. Most of the visitors had left. S�s* parents were in attendance as were Mike�s* parents. I looked over at S* and asked her if I could take A* to get a bite to eat. She said �Oh yes, would you, please?!� Asking permission was a mere formality. I didn�t want her to realize A* wasn�t in the building and then cause a panic. Before leaving we checked with P*, J* and Z*. Only J* wanted a double cheeseburger. Off we went. I thought perhaps the drive would help A* to settle down. It didn�t. She asked me where her daddy was, and if he could see us, and what he was doing and what he thought. I recalled what was told to me, when I was nearer to her age. I told her that her father had gone to Heaven to be with God and Jesus � they needed him. Next she asked how was he able to see us. I told her that daddy was in Angel school and had a lot to learn, part of that would allow him to earn his wings and halo. Next the difficult part. I told her that he had �Angel eyes��; that�s what permitted him to see through clouds, walls, cars and all sorts of things. This way he would never really leave us. Wherever we went, whatever we were doing, he�d be there and he could see us. She was satisfied with that explanation. I was wiping my brow thinking, what am I going to say to her next? A few moments went by and she asked, where is his soul? And why does his body feel hard and cold and why does his skin look like that? Boy oh boy, when I was 6� I don�t think I asked these detailed questions. Or did I?! I told her, that as a Catholic his soul went to Heaven and that his Earthly body remained here on Earth because he couldn�t use it and didn�t need it up in Heaven. I told her that they prepared his body at the funeral home, and they kept him cool so he wouldn�t sweat. She said he hated to be sweaty. I said �See, mommy has told them that, so they are trying to keep him as comfortable as possible.�
We arrived at McDonald�s (not a moment too soon). We talked and walked. She asked me if I loved her father. I told her yes, very much. She asked �how much�. I said �So much, that I�ve been crying and can�t sleep and can�t eat.� She replied �that�s serious.� When we entered McDonald�s she said �you loved my daddy a lot and he loved you too.� My heart was splintering but I couldn�t let her know that. She needed me to be strong and support her, and that is what I intended to do.
She ordered a double cheeseburger and a chocolate shake. While we ate she asked me if I could get her the Hello Kitty purse (seeing as how her daddy died). I realized she was milking her dad�s death, and in a glint of levity was attempting to charm and beguile me. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I asked the manager if I could buy the plastic, pink, hello kitty purse. She said no. I told her it was for A* and that her dad had just died and we were taking a break from the funeral home, and I�d pay whatever she charged for it. She asked me to wait. Five minutes later she emerged with the pink, Hello Kitty purse. A�s* face lit up. The manager turned and said �you have the most beautiful daughter.� Anyone who saw us, would have known A* isn�t my daughter. I said to A* �pumpkin tell the nice lady thank you.� A* replied �thank you pumpkin.� Kids�You gotta love em.
We left McDonald�s with J�s* sandwich and A�s* Hello Kitty in hand. On the way back to the funeral home, Ari told me that I gave her the best gift ever. I told her thank you. She asked me if I would be her �big sister� and if I would continue to be a part of her life. I told her that it was a honor to be her big sister and I�d be here for her whenever she needed me. She beamed and played with her new purse.
Once we headed home, A* spent some time snuggling with me, and later we took turns reading The Brother�s Grimm Fairy Tales to each other, until it was time for her to go to bed. She did so reluctantly. She also made me promise that I would spend the night with her, before she would let me leave, to drive to my home.
A�s* courage and bravery were inspiring.
I was never more honored to have been a big sister, than I was Friday night.
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